Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
