Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
