One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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