I cannot find my penis.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
