Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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