The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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