Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Randomize
