I bet he comes in French.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
