Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
