so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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