She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
