I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
