Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
