Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
