I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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