he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
