So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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