I must be too annoying 4 u.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
