I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
