Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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