Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
