so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
