so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
