He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
