i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
