I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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