i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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