he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
