i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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