i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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