My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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