I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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