I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
