Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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