He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
