his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
