u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
