I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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