Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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