How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
