Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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