He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
