So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
