Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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