you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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