I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
