that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
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one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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