So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
