I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
