But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
