Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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