I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
