I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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