she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
