There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
