Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
